Men who pretend to be nice but actually aren’t usually exhibit these 9 unique behaviors - The Expert Editor (2025)

We all know those men who appear to be charming, considerate, and downright nice, but something just doesn’t sit right.

It’s this nagging feeling that their kindness is not as genuine as they make it out to be.

Understanding these subtle signals is essential to protecting yourself from potential emotional harm.

After all, it’s not always easy to distinguish between genuine kindness and a well-orchestrated act.

As a keen observer of human behavior, I’ve come across some unique behaviors that these “nice” guys often exhibit.

It’s these signs that can help you discern the pretenders from the truly kind-hearted.

So, let’s delve into this deceiving world and shed light on these behaviors.

In this article, I’ll share with you these unique signs that might just save you from falling into the trap of a man who is pretending to be nice but actually isn’t.

1) They’re inconsistent with their behavior

There’s a fine line between genuinely nice guys and those who only wear the mask of niceness.

But, one of the most glaring signs of a man pretending to be nice is inconsistency in his behavior.

This doesn’t mean they’re volatile or erratic.

Rather, it’s more about the fluctuation in their kindness. One moment they’re the epitome of chivalry, and the next, they’re dismissive or indifferent.

These swift changes in their behavior don’t align with the image they project.

This inconsistency often leaves you feeling confused, questioning whether you misinterpreted their previous actions. But trust me, you didn’t.

Inconsistent behavior is not a trait of genuinely nice men. It’s a clear sign of someone who’s merely putting on an act of being nice.

2) They use backhanded compliments

Have you ever been on the receiving end of a compliment that leaves you feeling a little…off?

Well, you’re not alone. This is a common tactic used by men who pretend to be nice but aren’t – the backhanded compliment.

This is a type of remark in which the compliment is subtly or overtly undercut by a negative comment. It gives the illusion of praise, but actually delivers a blow to your self-esteem.

For example, they might say something like, “You’re really smart for someone who didn’t go to college”, or “I love how you don’t care about what you wear”.

See what they did there?

They’re giving you a compliment, but at the same time, they’re making a dig at you. And it’s these underhanded comments that reveal their true colors.

Remember, genuine compliments uplift and make you feel good about yourself. But backhanded compliments? They’re designed to undermine and belittle.

3) They’re always on the defensive

Now, you might think that a man who constantly showers you with compliments, even if they’re backhanded, would be open to receiving some feedback in return.

But that’s not usually the case with those pretending to be nice.

Ironically, these men are often overly defensive.

In a healthy interaction, constructive criticism or simple disagreements are welcomed and seen as opportunities for growth.

But for men who aren’t genuinely nice, these situations are perceived as personal attacks.

Instead of accepting feedback gracefully or acknowledging a different viewpoint, they immediately jump to their defense.

They may resort to blaming others, denying responsibility, or even twisting the narrative to portray themselves as the victim.

This defensive behavior is not a sign of a truly kind-hearted individual. Genuine niceness includes acknowledging one’s faults and being open to improvement.

So if you notice a pattern of defensiveness in a man who otherwise seems nice, it could be a sign that his niceness is not as genuine as it appears.

4) They lack empathy

Have you ever shared a personal struggle with someone, hoping for understanding and comfort, only to be met with indifference or even dismissal?

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. It’s a fundamental component of genuine kindness.

However, men who pretend to be nice often lack this crucial quality. They may appear sympathetic on the surface, but when you delve deeper, you realize their understanding doesn’t extend beyond their own experiences.

They might downplay your feelings or struggles, making you feel like you’re overreacting. Or they might shift the conversation back to themselves, showing little interest in your experiences.

This lack of empathy indicates a self-centeredness that belies their outward appearance of niceness. Genuine kindness involves truly understanding and caring about the feelings of others.

5) They have a hidden agenda

When someone is genuinely nice, their kindness is driven by a genuine desire to make others feel good. There’s no ulterior motive or hidden agenda behind their actions.

But for men who pretend to be nice, their kindness often serves a specific purpose. It’s a means to an end, and that end is usually in their favor.

Some of the most common hidden agendas include:

• Manipulating others to get what they want.
• Creating a positive image of themselves to gain social acceptance.
• Using kindness as a tool to avoid conflict or confrontation.

These hidden agendas are not in line with genuine kindness. True niceness comes from a place of sincerity and authenticity, not manipulation or self-interest.

If you notice that a man’s kindness seems to always serve his own interests, it’s a strong indicator that his niceness might just be a facade.

6) They rarely apologize

We all make mistakes – that’s part of being human. But what separates the truly nice guys from those who pretend to be, is how they handle these errors.

When I mess up, I take responsibility for my actions and apologize sincerely. This isn’t just about admitting a mistake; it’s about acknowledging the impact of my actions on others.

But men who pretend to be nice often struggle with this.

They might avoid apologizing altogether, or if they do, their apologies lack sincerity.

You’ve probably heard them – the classic “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry if you were offended”. These aren’t true apologies; they’re deflecting blame and minimizing your feelings.

Let’s be clear here: genuine apologies involve taking full responsibility for one’s actions and expressing a sincere desire to make things right.

7) They’re overly controlling

Imagine this: You’re planning a night out with your friends. You’ve decided on a restaurant, but the man in question insists on changing the venue to his favorite spot, even though it’s out of everyone’s way.

He claims he’s doing it for everyone’s benefit – after all, they have great food there. But is it really about the food?

Or consider this: You express a different opinion on a topic, and instead of engaging in a friendly debate, he forcefully tries to convince you that his standpoint is the superior one. He presents it as enlightening you, but is he really respecting your viewpoint?

Overly controlling behavior is often masked as being helpful or wise.

But at its core, it’s about asserting dominance and maintaining control. It’s not about what’s best for everyone; it’s about what suits him.

Genuinely nice men respect others’ opinions and decisions. They don’t need to control every situation or conversation.

8) They’re overly critical

Criticism can be constructive, but there’s a fine line between giving helpful feedback and being overly critical. Men who pretend to be nice often cross this line, without even realizing it.

I once knew a man who was always quick to point out mistakes. Whether it was a minor spelling error in a text or a slightly overcooked dinner, he just couldn’t let it slide. He claimed he was just trying to help, to make things better.

But over time, his constant criticism started to feel less like help and more like a relentless attack on my self-confidence.

This is a common trait among men who pretend to be nice. They hide their criticism under the guise of being helpful or wanting the best for you.

But constant criticism, especially over trivial matters, is far from kind.

Genuinely nice men know how to give constructive criticism without tearing down your self-esteem. They focus on the issue at hand, not the person.

9) They’re disrespectful towards boundaries

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, men who pretend to be nice often have a blatant disregard for personal boundaries.

Boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship. They’re a way of communicating what we’re comfortable with and what we’re not.

But men who aren’t genuinely nice often ignore these boundaries.

They might pressure you to do things you’re not comfortable with or dismiss your feelings when you express discomfort.

They might even belittle your boundaries, making you feel like you’re overreacting or being too sensitive.

This disrespect for boundaries is a clear indication that their niceness is not genuine. Truly nice men respect your boundaries and value your comfort.

What can we do with this knowledge?

Now that we’ve unveiled the signs of men who pretend to be nice, it’s important to reflect on what we can do with this newfound understanding.

Recognizing these behaviors is just the first step. Here’s what we can do next:

• Assert our boundaries: Make it clear what behavior we’re comfortable with and what we’re not.
• Communicate openly: Express our concerns and feelings about their behavior.
• Seek support: Reach out to friends, family, or a mental health professional if the situation becomes overwhelming.

This knowledge equips us with the tools to navigate social interactions more confidently and safely.

It allows us to differentiate between genuine kindness and a well-crafted facade.

And most importantly, it empowers us to stand up for ourselves when faced with insincere niceness.

Remember, it’s okay to question someone’s behavior and it’s okay to protect your emotional well-being.

After all, genuine niceness should never come at the cost of your comfort or peace of mind.